Stumbling Blocks

Sometimes connected in strings….sometimes in stacks, others are spaced apart of deep wells in between them.I’ve been climbing, rising, skipping……and have fallen short many times along the way.  One thing I can say has remained consistent; the desires of my heart.  I won’t reveal my ultimate reason at this time, except to say I feel so close, yet so far away.

My husband and I had a basic physical at the end of last week.  I weighed myself prior to the tech coming to our home because I didn’t want to be surprised by what was said. I braced myself for it…I  knew I had probably gained a few after the week long trip back to my home town the beginning of January.  The damage was not as bad as I expected…but it was still bad enough to make me feel like a failure.  In total, I gained back 3.5 pounds. 

This is the first time since beginning my weight loss journey where I have actually had a gain as opposed to a loss.  I think I felt better about things when I was in plateau mode a few months back.  Now, I am back to what I weighed right before the Thanksgiving holiday……..153 pounds.  

Again, I knew it was coming.  But, how could I go all the way back to my hometown after a year and not enjoy my Grandmother’s cooking?  How could I pass up dining out with family and my best-friend with a baby on the way?  Guess I over did it a little. J But it sure was good! :)

Oh well, onward I press. I am far from perfect and though I was and still have some disappointment in myself, I am taking it better than I would have last summer. Still, I cannot allow this to continue. The past few weeks my workout regime has become steady again. This week it is all about cardio (treadmill, strider, jogging and circuit training with weights).  I will be pressing it hard working out twice a day. At the same time, my husband and I will be in detox mode for the remainder of this month. Lots of fresh fruits and veggies, beans/legumes and lots and lots of water.  I am determined to lose another 15 pounds by the end of April.  

I have taken ownership of my fitness journey and no longer using scapegoats when I slip. I challenge you to do the same.  At the end of the day, we must be accountable for our level of activity, our drive, our focus…our intake and our thoughts.  The good news is it is never too late to start again. Here we go! 

Still making it work!

Tired...but not down for the count!

1/27/2011

Happy New Year!!! It has been a few months since my last post. Feels good to be back to the blog!

Since my last update, I've shed a few more pounds. As of 12/31/10, my total weight loss since May of 2010 is 34.5 pounds. This is a major feat for me and I am so happy to begin the New Year without having "losing excess physical baggage" as my resolution. I have, however, set a new goal for myself.  I plan to lose about 25 more pounds by summer.

I joined a gym before the Thanksgiving holiday and I absolutely love it. Weight training and circuit work have become a bigger part of my routine than before; the results speak for themselves.

Over the past several months, I have received overwhelming support from family, friends and strangers. I get email after email, text messages and phone calls from so many people seeking support, advice and or tips to aid in their own journey for personal fitness. It's meant so much to me and gotten me through some painful and challenging days. 

Funny...I've had so much success, but some days it still feels like it's not enough. I've watched myself go through a metamorphosis from the inside out. Yet, my spirit and mind are still lagging behind. They can't seem to catch up and it's been wearing me out. 

There are still things in my life I have yet to deal with. And if it is not the suppressed or the deliberately submerged memories or pain, then it is the end result of them staring me in the face or constantly invading my thoughts and dreams. I am praying to God for strength in overcoming those challenges. I know if I do not succeed in doing so, everything I have done is pointless. 

Remember, this transition is not just about the physical; the spiritual and mental have always been part of the equation. I must admit to myself that I have not given as much time or effort to those areas as I should. Painful memories, regrets....those are the emotions I need to reign in so not to go back to that dark place harvested and nurtured by emotional eating. Healing.....I need to take more time out for that.

This is not a resolution.....but a personal commitment that will lead to a better, more fulfilled me. Time to reign in and conquer the ghosts, the demons, the pain once and for all. Time to let go. JC got me this far and I know He is with me every step of the way.

So, what to do?  What is my POA?  Well, for starters I must feed my spirit and my mind.
I will pray more specifically and intently, more consistently. I will study my Bible more often. I will practice meditation and get involved in at least one organization to support the community in some way. I will give more time to the talents and gifts I have been blessed with; writing, painting, drawing and counseling. I will get back to loving some people from a distance; as hard as it may be. Basically, I will go back to my roots.

Along this journey I continue to peel back so many layers of my being. Layer after layer....level after level...so many dimensions. True elevation involves:
1. Reflection
2. Expression
3. Acceptance
4. Ownership
5. Adaptation
6. Revision
7. Action/Movement
8. Determination/Passion
9. Deliverance
10. Endurance

Step by step.....I will.

My Life: Volume 33: Chapter 6, pg. 27:
"---and as I turned the corner, I knew things would not...could not be the same. No looking back; not even a peak over the shoulder.This was a game changer...and everything within me is far beyond this game."-Emotional Lyricist (Me)

Drivers…Start Your Engines!!! Wait a minute……itinerary please!!!

In this journey called life, sometimes we venture off the pathway. During the course of such detours, we veer; we swerve and finally slam on the breaks realizing this is not where we should be.  Back on course we go, but now,  in order to make up for lost time we crank things up (forgetting that we’ve done no maintenance; no oil change, no tire rotation or balancing, no changing of the brake pads)…switching from first, to second, finally  into third gear. We floor it and before we know it, smoke is pluming and we can’t see the road before our eyes. The engine is burnt out and our hearts sink knowing that we’re further off course than before. 



 So…we get out and instead of walking…we run. 

 

In many ways, we do this throughout life. In such a hurry to GET THERE that we burn ourselves out and have nothing left to give. We get so caught up in going through the motions to get to the next point, that we crash and burn. We forget to care for other things along the way.

The other day I was reflecting on my journey since May….thinking to myself….this is what I’ve done off and on during the process of trying to reach my final goal. This voice in the back of my head often says, “You’re behind…you’ve got more to do and so far to go. Go harder or go home and don’t come back.”

I’ve been clobbering myself over the head, cutting, counting, and analyzing all along the way….forgetting to enjoy the fun of getting there. Wearing myself out, burning my motor out. When my engine burnt out…instead of taking time to recover and walk, I would just run harder.  

I am doing things a little different now. Getting comfortable with allowing myself to live more in the moment.  I’ve been getting so caught up in this vision of where I want to be, that I haven’t truly allowed myself to enjoy and appreciate how far I have come.  Success requires you to grind….but not to grind yourself into the pavement in the process. Take time to enjoy just being. Give yourself time to reflect, to rest….your mind, body and spirit.

31pounds down…and counting. Hitting the gym….hitting the weights. Laughing more, loving more…living more….trusting in God more than ever.

Make it Work,
-7 Verses Deep